Since there are plenty of people here at Fr33Agents who can discourse at length on the various Archies and Isms, I’ve decided to address other aspects of liberty activism. Today I want to discuss dealing with family and friends who don’t understand and who become frightened, angry, or worse.
I suspect that many of you have encountered this. It can be painful, difficult and even confusing. It can be especially difficult if the people in question are older than you, and the image in your mind is that they should be more developed and informed than you. (And, in fact, they may actually be more experienced and better-informed in some important ways!)
The difficult thing about liberty ideas is that this is not only a black area in most people’s development, but it is also an area where they’ve been brainwashed by professionals. (Like their parents before them.)
Dealing with freaked-out family and friends is difficult. There may not be any great way to handle it. You may have to stop seeing them for a while, or at least avoid any conversation related to liberty. Sometimes, simple disengagement gives them some time to work through their issues. You can re-engage later.
You may also have friends and relatives that want to mock and ridicule you. I had a few relatives who would wait for a family gathering (a holiday, usually), then take a few others that hated me, wait till the whole group was together, and pull out their worst insults and red herring attacks — loudly. So, I understand how difficult and infuriating this can be. In the extreme, you may have to tell someone that they are vile, then walk away forever.
Other choices, however, are preferable.
In my experience, there are specific reasons for family and friends to freak out:
- You are saying and doing things that are not supposed to exist. They have an image of the world (“brainwashed by professionals”), and you are going outside of it. The only tag attached to such things in their minds is “Here there be dragons.”
- They have expectations of you. They have built a significant portion of their world around an image of what you will be and do. It disturbs them deeply when you deviate from it.
- They fear that anything different will be punished. For example, when my dad first heard that I was to attend a meeting of libertarians, his immediate comment was, “You’re gonna go to jail.”
- You leaving the pack means that they could have done it once, possibly many years ago. They caved-in to the pressure. Now, you are showing them up.
- They may have specific issues that they’ve tied their self-esteem to. If they are, for example, “law and order” republicans, the idea of people being less-ruled or un-ruled will seem to them as a huge personal threat. The same goes for liberals devoted to “programs for the under-privileged,” or any other type who has tied their self-esteem to politics.
- The negation of the meaning of their life. This is a combination of #2 and #5, but on a deeper level. They have built up some way of seeing meaning in their life; you – especially if you are their child – are going in an opposing direction, breaking the chain and zeroing them out.
There will, of course, be overlap and combination, but this covers at least some of the major issues.
If you can address these fears and concerns – without specifying them – you will have far better success than otherwise. Remember that these are people that are close to you, and quite possibly for good reason. They may be more similar to you in deep ways than you suppose; give them time and they may come along nicely.
For whatever reasons, we all have different paths through life; theirs will be different than yours. That’s just the way it is.
Understand that it’s hard for them to get over you changing. It will take them time, and some of them may be nasty. Here are some responses that I’ve found useful:
- “That’s the way I see it. Yelling and ridicule are not good reasons for me to change my mind.”
- “I still love and care about my family. That will never change. I just think the world is badly organized.”
- “I’m not trying to make you agree with me. This is just my opinion; you can keep yours.”
- Quote someone they claim to respect. Thomas Jefferson or George Washington, for example. However, this technique can be used either with kindness or manipulatively, so be careful.
- “Call me names if you like, but I have reasons to believe these things. And, I don’t have to stay here and be treated cruelly.” (Then walk away.)
- Change the subject to things you agree on. (This doesn’t fix anything, but it may get you some breathing room when you need it.)
One of the hardest and most useful things is to show kindness, even as they continue to insult you. If you can remain calm and polite as you extract yourself from them, some may question what has just happened.
Finally, remember that most people walk around confused and insecure most of the time, hanging on to whatever scraps of self-esteem they’ve been able to retain. Anything that shakes that up feels threatening to them, even though they don’t know why. I’m sorry, but, once again, that’s just the way it is.
Your steps into liberty have begun to take you away from confusion and insecurity. They’d follow you, if they understood that they’d gain far more than they would lose. But it is hard to let go of your last piece of bread, based upon the mere promise of a meal. (That’s not really the case, but that’s how they see it.) Show a bit of compassion. Tell them that that you feel happier and see the world more clearly now… and that they may like it too. Some may be interested and others will, at least, wait and see. (Hard cases may remain hard cases. No free lunch here either.)
If you have specific questions, post them in the comments. You’re probably not the only one facing them.
– PR
Paul Rosenberg is the author of books such as 
Unfortunately, I have relegated the relationship with my father (I would have definitely qualified as a “daddy’s girl” as a child) to small talk. A word mentioned here, vile, came to mind during my last real discussion with him and I realized that if I were to continue loving him as a father, I would have to not know any more about him. It hurts me, but this was the best solution for me.
Am very sorry to hear.
Life is long – the day may come when he gets over his problems. Or, it may not. (My dad never really did.)
Horribly sad for a parent to hate that their child improves him/herself.
Which direction to the planet of the psychologically healthy?
I’ve been fortunate in the few months I’ve been an anarchist. The 2 family members I have approached have been willing to discuss rationally the ideas that led me here. I’ve even had some luck convincing them that I may be right.
Amazing post, very much appreciated. I want to stress the phrase – “If you can address these fears and concerns – without specifying them”
It’s that part about not specifying them. We all have issues. On this particular subject I have a different perspective that allows me to see (having gone through them) some of the emotional roadblocks people have. That doesn’t give me the position to point them out – it’s arrogant and doesn’t do anyone any good.
I’ve learned that the hard way, I might add.
It is so easy to get angry at the dismissive way people treat concepts like liberty or non-aggression. It’s so basic to me now that I find it hard to remember the mind set that doesn’t see it. It’s frustrating, so thanks for an article that helps give me some perspective on how to handle it.
I am having one of those days today with people not getting it. Thanks for the post Paul.
Great stuff, Paul, and a real delight to see you here!
I feel like this quote is appropriate:
“Quintessentially and metaphysically, [the libertarian] should remain of good cheer. The eventual victory of liberty is inevitable, because only liberty is functional for modern man. There is no need, therefore, for libertarians to thirst maniacally for Instant Action and Instant Victory, and then to fall into bleak despair when that Instant Victory is not forthcoming. Reality, and therefore history, is on our side.”
-Murray Rothbard
It is of no use to try and convince everybody and to talk about it all the time. As Rothbard states, Libertarians should be of good cheer for the evolution towards liberty is inevitable.
Bastien, Great quote! Which book/article did you get that from?
good post…
I’m commenting to support to anyone who’s experiencing this kind of alienation, contempt, etc…
I’ve found that the single best way to deal with these kinds of issues is:
“live your values – succeed – repeat”
I learned early that personal freedom in an unfree world is paid for by greater personal responsibility and greater self reliance than an average person is willing to bear.
We’re not average people.
When I began living even the most primitive libertarian values, it led to more success (better pay, higher status) while I worked for others. Now that I’m on my own, I’m discovering that the cycle of success goes faster when not impeded by “compromises” mandated by a pragmatic boss. In most cases these compromises were for no other motive than to “make the others feel included” (be a team player – even though the project doesn’t require a team). Anyone else ever been here?
This course of action won’t prove or change anything to anyone else, but yourself. You’ll likely continue to experience the same alienation and contempt, but you’ll know that “you continue own your life” while you witness others begin to wear the uniforms and the restraints.
I personally think this is okay. Let the rest of the world discover what we already know, the same way we did:
“out of necessity”
Press on…
[r]
Hey Paul. Good to see you here. I really can’t help you with your concerns, because I do not care what other people think about me. I am not persuaded that it requires the consent of anyone else for me to be free. Therefore I am disinterested in converting anyone who is determined to have an authoritarian outlook.
I will say that one of the best ways to clarify the issue for everyone is to strap a gun to your hip or shoulder and wear it openly, all the time. Being armed is by itself a convincing argument – the final argument of sovereigns.
My brother invited me over to a fireworks display a couple of years back. He and one of my other brothers sat on his porch chatting and swilling some beer. Ken said that he believes there must be a war on drugs, even though he smoked pot in college, because otherwise his 9 year old daughter would be exposed to pot in school. He also said that everyone believes in authority.
Naturally, I made it clear that I don’t agree. I disagreed with his assertions about second hand smoke, about the drug war preventing pot from being in schools, about the need to arrest two million people a year for non-violent non-crimes, and about authority being universally agreeable. I also left his home. I have not returned, and shall not. We are not on speaking terms, and never will be again.
It is not enough that he change his mind and apologise, a project on which I’m not willing to help. He would also have to engage in a sincere act of contrition, crawling on his hands and knees over broken glass to the homes of every family destroyed by the imprisonment of any of their members for non-violent non-crimes. Naturally, my brother won’t change his mind, won’t apologise, and won’t make an act of contrition. And won’t be forgiven.
Forgiveness, respect, and courtesy, should be earned. All y’all give it away like sorority girls at a kegger.
One person I’ve rediscovered in my determination not to make light of my own convictions is my mother. She turns out to be far more anarchistic than I had ever imagined.
Hi Guys,
This is my first comment on fr33agents so I appologise if I haven’t quite understood this website.
I got to this article from a link on thedailypaul, and I’m really quite shocked by some of these comments.
This is the first time I’ve ever heared of people getting into fights over this sort of thing.
I got interested in the movement about a year ago and since then have discussed these ideas with family, friends and collegues. Some of these people seem about as Statist as is imaginable, whilst others have weaker critiques like ‘yes but its not realistic.’ They find my opinions anything from ammusing to very close to their own opinion. My mother even says “I know you’re right but I can’t quite see how yet.”
So basically I just wanted to ask you guys – is this level of sensitivity normal in you’re own experiences? I’ve never thought twice about the consequences of speaking my mind, everyone I’ve ever known is entirely happy with the fact that many of their aquaintances will seriously disagree with them. I need to ask you all, should I be more cautious? Will there really be people “who become frightened, angry, or worse”?
This is just the most extraordinary set of comments on pretty much anything I’ve read in quite a while. Are you all being serious about not talking to people because they’re not liberty-minded??
Thanks
I don’t have any problems with friends and family. Many people think my views are crazy, and I feel similarly about theirs, but that doesn’t stop me having perfectly normal relationships with them.
Statism is the default position, and most people never feel the need to question it. That leads to some unfortunate results in terms of policy, but I certainly don’t blame any individual for that. Why should anyone be forced to question their biases when they are mostly harmless at individual level? Most people just aren’t interested in politics and will go with the flow. The division of labour is a beautiful, but sometimes unfortunate, thing.
Hi Sina. It has not been my experience. My father is a socialist and I see him a LOT. Sometimes I will make little comments on the news and we will trade barbs for a bit. That’s about it.
My mother thinks that I have some “crazy ideas” but respects me for them.
My daughter calls herself an anarchist.
@Sina – I think geography/sub-culture may have something to do with people’s sensitivity level. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area.
re: fighting – Personally, I don’t “fight”. In discussion, I made a grown man cry. It was beyond weird. (Well, we *were* discussing the Great Depression, pah-rump-chhhh!) People willing to even discuss anything beyond how great Obama and the Democratic Party are few and far between here. Yes, it is sad. I’ll be moving soon for my own mental health. (Free State Project)
I think you’re right that location is important. I live in New Zealand, and people take politics much less seriously here than they seem to in the States. There’s certainly not as much of a culture war, and consequently less raised hackles.
Nick and Brad – thanks, you’ve added some perspective.
Antigone – I’m beggining to understand. I’ve lived in the UK all my life, where politics seems so incredibly unlikely to change (no joking by far the most important issues at the last election was wether Romania and Bulgaria should be exempted from a rule that made immigration from other EU countries slightly easier and whether the top rate of income tax should be raised from 40 to 45%) that it’s basically ok to say whatever. I guess if people actually belive that ideas can seriously change anything they can become more sensitive.
I’ve heared about the Free State Project – I hope people are more tolerant in NH. I’ve heared at least some liberty values are strong there like party-independance and gun rights. Good luck with that
The problem with most Ron Paul supporters is they preach a message that only appeals to impressionable teenagers and young adults. “Revolution” implies to many in older generations like one of a socialist take over such as in Cuba. It is the wrong message. The Ron Paul movement suffers from bad associations with 911 Truthers ect… Sticking to a strictly libertarian message of “Economic Freedom and Personal Liberty” is much more appealing. The anarchists have no chance (I have tried to speak with them but their dismissal of others makes it impossible), minimal government libertarians have an appealing message as does Ron Paul. However, Ron Paul’s absolute lack of understanding regarding Israel makes him look clueless on foreign policy. Other areas like pro-legalization of Pot is hypocritical unless you talk of abolishing the FDA and making EVERYTHING legal. The great myth is that Pot is a harmless drug (over 85 scientific studies say otherwise) and it is the weak minded who use it and push it as safe which concerns me more than the drug war. I have no problem with legalization rather propaganda about a mind altering drug that causes Paranoia and Schizophrenia to impressionable kids. Freedom is about making up your own mind and not being led around and buying into everything you hear just because you agree with some of it. I agree with much of what Ron Paul and Libertarians say just not all of it and for logical reasons. You are allowed to disagree and don’t let the anarchists make you think otherwise. As for dealing with people, if they do not agree that is because you either have not presented the evidence to convince them or are using bad marketing tactics. The problem is YOU.
Poptech: You are assuming a lot of things that many of us don’t.
Personally, I am not remotely interested in a “revolution,” I have no political strategy, and I’m not trying to “win” anything. That is the vocabulary of the plunder game – precisely what I think should be abandoned.
Hi Paul. Thanks for the instructive and thought-provoking piece. We discussed it recently on Complete Liberty Podcast episode 82:
http://completeliberty.libsyn.com/index.php?post_id=523974
In regard to some of the comments here, believers in freedom shouldn’t accept the label “crazy,” because that would imply that people’s belief in aggression via government (the default position in our culture) is actually sane. Institutionalized unjust coercion is the antithesis of reason.
Cheers,
Wes